The Best St Patrick's Day Jokes

Our St Patrick’s Day Jokes page celebrates the fun and mischief that is part of the Irish people and their descendants.  While  St Patrick was the man charged with bringing Christianity to Ireland (as well as ridding Ireland of snakes), St Patrick’s  Day is about celebrating all aspects of Irishness, not just its religious tradition. Irish people love to laugh and are more than willing to laugh at themselves.  Telling ‘yarns’, jokes or funny stories is very much part of the ‘craic’ (fun).  While there are plenty of webpages dedicated to Irish jokes the ones below all have the St. Patrick’s Day theme.

st-patricks-day-jokesSt Patrick's Day Fun
Photo Credit: "St. Patrick", © 2006
Lori Hurley, Flickr | CC-BY | via Wylio

Enjoy them and make sure to add your own favourite St. Patricks Day Joke in the comments box at the end of this page. Just remember keep it fairly clean. This is a family website!!

St Patrick's Day Jokes

What did St Patrick say as he was driving the snakes out of Ireland?

“Are you all right there in the back, lads?”

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Why did St Patrick drive the snakes out of Ireland?

Cos the flights were wicked expensive!

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It's Saint Patrick's Day and an armed hooded robber bursts into a busy bar and forces the bartender to fill a sack full of cash. On his way out the door with the money,  one brave  and slightly drunk Irish customer grabs the hood and pulls it off revealing the robber's face.

The robber shoots the guy stone dead.

He then looks around the bar to see if anyone else has seen him. Another bartender is looking straight at him and the robber walks over and calmly shoots him also.

Everyone by now is very scared and looking down at the floor.

Did anyone else see my face?' screams the robber.

There is a few moments of silence then one elderly Irish gent, looking down, raises his hand and says, 'I think me wife may have caught a good look.'

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Mick  was leaving his favourite bar on St. Patrick’s Day when he was run over by a bus. He gets to the gates of heaven and St. Peter tells him he cannot enter unless he passes a test. Mick, not the sharpest knife in the drawer, has no choice but to give it a try

St. Peter decides to go easy on him, 'What has five fingers and is made of black leather?' he asks. Mick scratches his head, thinks hard but finally gives up. “It's a glove”, says St. Peter.'

“Let's try again. What has ten  fingers and is made of black leather?” asks St. Peter. Mick  is stumped again. After a few minutes of scratching his head, Mick says he hasn’t a clue. '

“Why it's two gloves - don't you see  ten  fingers, black leather”  says St. Peter amazed.'

Given that it St Patrick’s Day and being in a generous mood, St. Peter decides to give Mick yet another chance with an even easier question.

'Who is the patron Saint of Ireland?' asks St. Peter, thinking he can't miss this.

'It wouldn't be three gloves, would it?' says Mick.

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A priest and a nun are on their way back to the country from the St. Patrick’s Day parade in Dublin City when their car breaks down.

The garage doesn't open until morning so they have to spend the night in a B&B. It only has one room available.

The priest says: "Sister, I don't think the Lord would object if we spend the night sharing this one room. I'll sleep on the carpet and you have the bed."

"That will have to do," agrees the nun.

They prepare for bed, say some prayers and settle down to sleep.

Ten minutes pass, and the nun says: "Father, I'm very cold."

"OK," says the priest, "I'll get a blanket from the cupboard."

Another ten minutes pass and the nun says again: "Father, I'm still terribly cold."

The priest says: "Don't worry, I'll get up and fetch you another blanket."

Another ten minutes pass, then the nun murmurs softly: "Father I'm still very cold. I’m sure the Lord wouldn’t  mind if we acted as man and wife just for a night."

"You're probably right," says the priest. "So you can get up and get your own blankets."

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st-patricks-day-funFun on St Patrick's Day courtesy of jbmmwr

An Irish priest on his way home from the St. Patrick’s Day celebration had had a few drinks. He found himself sharing a compartment on a train with a Rabbi. The priest, in great form,  opened a conversation by saying "I know that, in your religion, you're not supposed to eat pork...Have you actually ever tasted it?


The Rabbi said, "I must tell the truth. Yes, I have,  every now an then."

Then the Rabbi turns to the priest and says, "Your religion, too...I know you're supposed to be celibate. But...." The priest replied, "Yes, I know what you're going to ask and I have to say that I have given in to temptation a couple of times”

There was silence for a while. Then the Rabbi peeped around the newspaper he was reading and said, "Bet you it was much better than pork?

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What do you get when you cross poison ivy with a shamrock? A rash of good luck

(I know... one of the corniest St Patricks Day Jokes or maybe it's the one just below)

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Why should you give money to a  leprechaun? Because they're always a little short.

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I went out drinking on St Patricks Day and I took a bus home. That may not be a big deal to you, but I've never driven a bus before.

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"I married an Irishman on St. Patrick's Day." "Oh, really?" "No, O'Reilly!"

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 An Irish priest is driving home from  New York on St Patrick’s Day and gets stopped for erratic driving. The police officer smells alcohol on the priest's breath and then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car. He says, "Sir, have you been drinking?" "Just  a drop of water," says the priest. The officer says, "Then why do I smell wine?" The priest looks at the bottle and says, "Well Lord Almighty! He's done it again!"

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The day after St Patrick’s Day and Murphy walks  into his local pub  looking like he’d just been run over by a train. His arm is in a sling, his nose is broken, his face is cut and bruised and he’s walking with a limp.

“You must have drowned the shamrock fairly seriously last night. What happened to you?” asks Seán,the bartender.
“It was all going well but Fitzgerald and me had a fight,” says Murphy.
“That’s dreadful,” says Seán, “ But he couldn’t do that to you with his fists. He must have had something in his hand.”
“Aye, he did,” says Murphy, “a shovel is what he had, and a terrible doin’ he gave me with it.”
“Well,” says Seán, “you should have defended yourself,  why  didn’t you have something in your own hand?”
“Oh, but  I did,” said Murphy. “Mrs Fitzgerald’s breast, and a thing of beauty it was, but completely useless in a fight.”

Pages related to St Patrick's Day Jokes

In order to get ready for the 17th March, the biggest day in the Irish calendar, you really should have a look at our St. Patrick's Day Poems and Songs page.

If you're looking for more Irish wit, have a look at  our Funny Irish Quotes Page or go directly to these quotations from other Irish Literary Greats.

Spike Milligan Quotes
Brendan Behan Quotes
Oscar Wilde Quotes
George Bernard Shaw Quotes
 

Also check out our Funny Irish Sayings page.

But don't go anywhere without giving us your own favourite St Patricks Day Joke in the Comment Box Below...please!

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